Wake up from your Disney dream Munching.

Treasure.

Books.

Literary Lusts.

With Extra Pulp

The librarian narrator in The Abortion by Richard Brautigan is aDORable. He is impossibly awkward, likes younger women (which goes perfectly with my thing for older men) AND he’s the most dedicated librarian you’ll ever meet. 

Okay sure, he didn’t actually ever leave the library (which was also kind of his house) for the entire time he worked there, and okay, sure he got his girlfriend pregnant and then took her to Mexico for reasons you can probably guess at based on the title of the book. BUT his library was the library of dreeaaammmssss. It was where Joe or Jo Writer-Schmuck could bring the book that they wrote, about anything, from masturbation to instructions on growing flowers by lamplight or something. And the library would log it and stock it. It was like a giant “eff you” to the publishing industry and a big warm fuzzy writerly hug at the same time.

Plus I kinda dig older men who are into books and hermit-life. Is there something wrong with that? Of course not. 

I wish my brain would conjure up a megababe like Adrien Brody. But librarians aren’t mega babes. Well, the male ones are.

So I present to you, my abortion-condoning, socially stunted, writer-nurturing librarian. He kinda looks like Wes Anderson. And I’m not really complaining.

Note: On the left—mmmmm librarian. On the right—mmmmmm megababe.

Didn’t anyone tell you? Chaos Theory is sex eh. That is to say sexy. Oh dear, my typing and brain functions have gone all a flutter just thinking about this particular literary doc. And before you go berating me for dubiously labelling anything by Michael Crichton ‘literary’, keep in mind that Dr Malcolm is a result of words on paper. Ergo, he a bonafide literary lust.

Of course, he’s so much more. He’s the cool voice of reason against the tyrannical Dr Hammond. He’s the Jeff Goldblumy yumminess that took Spielberg’s film adaptation of Jurassic Park all the way up to eleven. He’s the man we ladies point to when explaining to doofus boys why brainy men ARE made of lusty lusciousness.

I try not to think about this particular literary lust too hard mainly because I was 5 when I first saw the movie, and only read Jurassic Park a couple of years ago. But hey, it’s not like a Humbert Humbert situation or anything…

People ask me why I’ve been single for nearly 3 years. It’s because I’m waiting for the REAL man in black to whisk me off my feet and teach me wondrous things about mathematics. (No disrespect to Johnny Cash intended)

Umm and because I feel like it, here’s another picture. Note the warm glowing warming glow to emphasise his wise soliloquy that preceded this screen shot.

Why?

Because I’m one of those girls who really likes a nice guy. But I’m also one of those girls who is, for strange reasons, really attracted to this abusive, misogynistic son-of-a-bitch who is filled to the brim with dirty, dirty testosterone. Go on, drool. It’s okay, nobody’s gonna know.

Talk about your devoted man. This sweet but brave farm boy-turned-adventurer goes up against all sorts of evil and malice in his quest to reunite with his beloved Buttercup. Imagine having a man whose every response is “as you wish”? Sure, it might get a bit boring after a while, but really. Look at his face (we have to go with the movie adaptation here because Cary Elwes was just so damn yummy). Could you really, ever get sick of waking up to that face every morning?

Plus, on top of being incredibly charming, full of undying love and devotion, and brains that can outwit even the cleverest Sicilian, he also has mad pirate skillz. Being a Pirate + True Love = literary lust.

Oh Atticus. I know every girl deep down loves a bad boy. And yes, there is always going to be a part of me that wishes he would just, oh I dunno, get on a motorbike with me and break some speeding laws, maybe hurl a brick at a shop window after midnight. But when it comes down to why this lawyer-man is so damn sexy, it’s all about his honest-to-goodness heart of gold. He’s a loving father (I was going to make a comment about single dads being sexy, but thought I’d hold off on account of him being a widower and all); he is articulate and wise; he stands up for what’s right even though everyone is against him. Plus he happens to be a character out of one of the most beloved books of all time. (As a staff-written shelftalker from Better Read Than Dead told me, ‘the only book I was forced to read in high school that I actually loved’.)

Oh Atticus. I almost want to be charged with murder or rape, just to have you defend me. (Oh, was that going too far? Hrmm. Methinks this Literary Lusts meme may be getting slightly creepy. I’d be innocent of course, wrongfully accused because of the colour of my skin…)

Severus Snape. Gosh, where do I start? The greasy mop of hair? The large hook-like nose? Now some of you may object to this choice, or even to Harry Potter being counted as ‘literary’ but quiet, you. I heart Severus. Especially because we got to find out I was right about him all along. He WAS good. And he loved Lily. It was so sweet and tear-jerking. Also, he died. Nobly. He didn’t WANT to kill Dumbledore, he HAD to. To save Draco. One of those bad on the outside, good on the inside types. It’s a massive turn on. Also, Alan Rickman is sexeh! Best. Voice. Ever. Every time I read a book, I want to turn to page three hundred and ninety-four.

He’s grumpy as hell. He treats his daughter as if she were an annoying little French pebble in his shoe. He’s also kinda disfigured on account of the fire that burned his house down. And he attempted to commit bigamy against his criminally insane wife.
Yes, readers, I have just described my long-time literary crush, Mr. Edward Rochester, eventual husband of Jane Eyre, and master of Thornfield house in the gloomy, angst-ridden England that is the creation of Charlotte Bronte.

Now, I must admit, when I watched that God-awful film adaptation starring Anna What’s-her-face from X-Men as Jane and a blonde (wtf?) William Hurt as old Rochester, my love for this character wavered slightly. Then I remembered that movies never get it right.
What exactly is so appealing about the broody Mr. R? Well, for one, he’s loaded. But of course that’s a fringe benefit. Secondly, he totally shows up the bitchy Blanche when he dresses up as a gypsy. (I wrote a really awesome* short story about this in grade 12 English that has since been lost…if I ever find it I’ll publish it here). Thirdly, he has a psychic connection with his one true love, his frail bird of a girl, plain little Jane. The Rochester I imagine is shaggy haired, dark, rigidly manly and handsome in an unconvential way. He also has mutton chops. But they would look really hot on him.

And he most definitely would NOT be former double-oh-seven, Timothy Dalton.

* I say awesome because Mrs. Kennedy gave me an A+, not because I actually thought it was awesome.

and don’t know how to say it. So I try a story, a letter, and a song. If none of these work I banish the thoughts through meditation. It’s worked so far.

This terrorising bad boy from Cook High who once cracked two eggs on Josie Alibrandi’s glasses is just lusty lusty teen hotness. Yep. I’m talking about THAT hot Jacob. The one from Melina Marchetta’s YA staple, Looking For Alibrandi

Plus, he clearly has a thing for foreign booknerdy girls with frizzy hair and glasses and strict mothers. I’m SO IN. He dated Josie, and made her wag school and cool stuff like that. But he also wasn’t afraid to tell her things she didn’t want to hear. I always preferred Jacob to John. He’s just so much more raw, and full of life. And FUNNY. Plus, if the movie is accurate, he had FACIAL HAIR (or, as it’s referred to in the book, “‘hood look’ stubble”). Yummm. He gets angry but he also really cares for Josie. Rough around the edges. And not a complete bonehead - he is School Captain. I would have loved him even more if Anthony Lapaglia became Jacob’s father-in-law, but that would’ve meant he was married to Josephine, not me.

I’m all lusted out. Gonna go reread the book now. I wasn’t a huge fan of Kick Gurry as Jacob in the movie. And now I can’t find a decent picture of him anyway.But here’s one where you can see how strong he is at carrying girls, with the muscular arms and stuff (and he has long hair, you just can’t see it).